A Parent's Guide To Getting Cooperation Through Connection

A Parent’s Guide To Getting Cooperation Through Connection

Getting cooperation through connection might sound like a magical parenting ninja trick. And it is!

What if I told you that the #1 tool you have to discipline your kids, or get your kids to listen, isn’t punishments or rewards or bribes or asking 10 times. What if I told you it is your relationship.

The relationship you build with your child is actually the strongest tool you have in your parenting toolbox. When you build it right, it creates the a foundation so strong that your child wants to listen, behave and cooperate.

Think of your relationship like the roots of a tree. If you don’t focus on the roots, no amount of sunlight, soil, nutrients or water will create a tree strong enough to withstand the elements. Once you have a solid foundation, you can teach, guide, coach and most importantly, influence your child.

A connected foundation

You know that amazing feeling you have after you and your partner or loved one have spent an awesome day together? You’ve laughed together, had fun and truly connected? You just feel…amazing!

We are more willing to bring them coffee in the morning, go out of our way to help them and see their point of view.

Our kids are the same. When they feel a deep connection with you, they are more likely to listen, cooperate, do something that they don’t want to do, or see no value in doing, when they’re feeling connected to us. And we will make room in our hearts for their mistakes, big emotions and demands in ways we can’t when we are disconnected.

Parenting is not something we do to a child. It is a deeply consensual relationship.

Read the Ultimate Guide to G entle Parenting

Connection vs. love

You might be thinking “of course we’re connected, I’m his parent! I love him unconditionally”. Of course you do. However, connection and love are different. Love is always present. We all have love for our children, but connection is fluid. We move in and out of it constantly.

It requires our intention to keep this connection tight through all of life’s little bumps. It is a daily (sometimes constant!) bonding between you and your child. Even though our love for our children runs so deep, it is surprising that they are actually always questioning this love.

Our children are constantly looking for proof that we love them. And that proof is connection.

Connection vs. influence

We can’t control our children and what they do. Sure, maybe when they are really little we can force them into a car seat kicking and screaming or into the bathtub against their will. But anyone who has ever done that knows how horrible and pointless it feels.

Controlling our children isn’t possible, and it isn’t even a good goal. Do we really want children who listen without questioning, follow others simply because they are bigger and stronger, and break their will?

The only way we truly get our children to do what we ask is by influencing them. When they are influenced by us, they care what we think. When kids care what their parents think, it’s a big motivator for action.

And I’m not talking about influence created by shame, guilt, bribery or force. I’m talking about influence created through your strong connected relationship.

“The inevitable result of consistently using power to control our kids when they are young, is that we never learn how to influence them” Thomas Gordon

Connection is our long term goal

We all want kids who will come back home for Christmas. Or call us when they’ve had a bad day. Or seek our advice when life is challenging. We want to have influence over our children. This type of relationship is not possible through love alone.

Our teenagers will not seek our council if they feel disconnected, misunderstood or controlled. In this relationship, we need to EARN our child’s willingness to listen and cooperate.

At some point they will be old enough to decide if they want to keep you in their inner circle, and you want to be connected enough to stay there. We need to actively seek connection to have influence. A good relationship is really the long term goal.

Addressing negative behaviour or getting compliance is the short term goal. And if we use control for the short term goal, we are corroding our relationship.

Connection is powerful

Oxytocin (the love drug) releases when we have a loving connected moment. Moments like snuggling, looking into each others eyes, laughing, holding hands. Oxytocin is actually a very powerful, effective and natural drug!

Higher levels of oxytocin creates faster neuropathways in the brain, which leads to better learning. It creates more compliance and trust. It counteracts the effects of stress, anxiety and fear. And it’s free!

There are certain things that parents do that either create more connection, or destroy it.

Connection builders

The best connection builders are often the simplest things. These might seem ridiculously easy, but if you do these things consistently, your connection will build and build.

Play

Please spend time playing with your kids in the traditional sense like building blocks, zooming trucks and playing Legos, IF it feels good to you. The play that I suggest for connection building is actually a little different. It is based in laughter and it’s more “game” like.

Think chasing your kids around, having pillow fights and pretending you are a monster snapping at their toes. Things that make everyone laugh. Laughter releases feelings in the body, the same way tears do. Having laughter daily with your children will not only increase your connection, but their ability to cooperate as well.

Make sure you grab the free Parenting Playbook. It has over 25 amazing play ideas that build connection and cooperation.

Micro-moments

Taking small moments of time to connect with your kids can be magical. Small things that can make them laugh.

If you’re wiping your toddlers face after a meal, tickle them a little with the cloth under the arms first. If you’re making dinner, put on a song and have a quick dance party. If you’re brushing their teeth, pretend to brush their knee and elbow. If you’re asking them to put on their shoes, bring the shoes over by “dancing” them with your hands.

Small, simple moments that you can inject in your day. They take almost no time and make a world of difference.

Court your children

You know how when you are first dating someone, you are courting them? You do little things them that make them know you care. Maybe you buy their favorite chocolate bar at the store, maybe you text them a cute message before bed. Just little things. Think about your relationship with your kids as courting.

Smile when they enter the room, make their favorite dessert and stay up late on the weekend, spend an extra 5 minutes snuggling and chatting at bedtime, tell them you’re so happy they are your child, ask them to take a drive with you and grab an ice cream. Court them, daily.

Connection destroyers

These things are connection destroyers. They deplete your children’s ability to listen and cooperate.

Punishments

Punishments don’t exactly work the way we think they do. I dive deeper into punishments HERE. Punishments create a major rift in your relationship with your kids. They truly don’t work to change behaviour and instead leave our kids feeling misunderstood, shamed and resentful of you.

The Ultimate Guide to Punishments and Consequences

Anger/Yelling

Yelling at our kids is one of the biggest connection killers there is. I know first hand how difficult it is to break the cycle of anger and yelling.

This was a huge struggle for me. Yelling releases cortisol, the stress hormone, in our children. It makes it harder for them to feel connected and listen simply because their body is overloaded with stress.

Distractions

You certainly don’t have to pay attention to your kids every minute to be connected. Far from it. But your kids need your full undivided attention (at least some of the time) in order to feel truly seen by you.

My guess is that your cell phone is likely present in almost every interaction you have with your kids. When they try to tell you a story, when they want you to come see what they’re doing, when they say “look at my drawing!”, and even during play times with them.

Try to spend at least 10-15 minutes with your child a day where your phone is in the other room and the tv is turned off. No distractions. Just you and your child. It will fill their cup a lot quicker and an hour of distracted together time.

Mealtimes and bedtimes should also be distraction free. The connection and interactions you can have during these times is critical. Choosing to look at your phone rather than interact with your kids sends a clear message that they are not important and not worth listening to. Your kids are only interested in spending time with you for a short time in their lives. Don’t waste it.

Shame

The language we use with our kids is so important. Shaming phrases sound like:

“Why can’t you just listen?”

“You are always hitting your sister!”

“Why can’t you just go to sleep like your brother?”

We often shame our children, thinking it will fix their behaviour. All it does is make them feel like they are bad inside. A child who feels bad inside isn’t likely to do better. They are likely to feel that it’s all pointless because they will always be bad.