Let’s dive into the world of whining, that high-pitched soundtrack that occasionally fills our homes, courtesy of our little ones. You know the drill—the drawn-out cries, the persistently annoying tone that seems to penetrate every conversation. But guess what? There’s more to it than meets the ear!

Let’s discuss all things whining. Why do kids whine? What makes them whine and what can parents do about it?

Why do kids whine, anyway?

Here are my Top 5 reasons that kids whine and what to do about it.

Reason 1: The Basics

Sometimes I think we forget to think about the most simple solution first! When our kids are whining, we can get annoyed so quickly that we don’t realize it could be the most basic of reasons. Hunger and Tiredness!

My daughter was like this. She was like a little bird, pecking away at her meals. Where my older child could go hours without eating, she would get whiny after 45 minutes sometimes!

It takes some growing up to do before they figure out that they are actually hungry. Whining is their language at the toddler phase, it’s their way of saying, “Hey, I need something!” Think of it as their grown-up version of crying. Grab them a protein rich snack if possible and it might just do the trick.

Pro parenting move? Always have snacks handy during outings! A Halloween size box of Smarties kept my daughter going on an unexpected hike once that saved my life!

Reason 2: Feeling Overwhelmed

Sometimes things are overwhelming for our children that we can’t see on the outside: Noise, lights, too many people, too much screen time or stimulus, too many demands on them, etc. A trip to the grocery store for example could be a hidden overload for their system. Take note of it and see if perhaps this is a trigger for them. Maybe they need headphones, the tv turned off, a break in a quiet room, etc.

Kids can also become simply overwhelmed by their big feelings. They aren’t feeling quite right and they don’t know how to properly express it. So they whine. They are just feeling a lot! Often whining proceeds the need for a good cry! They need to just off load some feelings.

When your child seems overwhelmed by their feelings, encourage them to have a good cry. If they bang their toe or something equally small, encourage them to cry it out! Once they offload their feelings with tears, they should feel much lighter.

Reason 3: Craving connection

Even if you’ve spent the whole day together, kids can feel disconnected. Whining is a bid for connection. Again, it’s a more grown up version of crying as a baby. They just need, you!

I always look at it like your child has an inner tank, a love tank! It drains easily and needs to be filled up. Things like your undivided attention, smiling at them, playing a little game, or having a snuggle can fill their love tank. I share the concept of the love tank with my kids and over time, it gives them language to use when they need you. They ask you to fill up their love tank.

When your child is whining, try a simple game like picking them up for a snuggle and pretending to drop them and catch them at the last minute! Say “Oh my love, I would never drop you” then let them slip a little before “catching” them again. My kids always laugh so much with this quick game.

For more simple connection strategies, click here to download my Play Guide. It’s full of game ideas to get your kids out of whining and into connection.

Reason 4: Whining “works”

Your child wants your attention so badly, they will take it in negative form as well. When they whine, it likely gets your attention in a big way!

There is a need behind the behaviour. The need for food, rest, less stimulus, connection for example. Try to focus on the NEED instead of the whining. 

Try something like “you don’t sound like yourself. You can ask me for what you need in a different way.”

If they don’t know what they need, you can guess.  “Do you need a snuggle, do you need a snack, do you need time with mommy?” Showing them how to tap into what they really need.  You are providing an alternative way to ask for their needs other than whining.

Reason 5: Avoiding whining

Are you bending the rules just to avoid those high-pitched pleas? Are you changing your limits because you don’t want to hear whining or crying? Do you say Yes when you want to say No to avoid a meltdown?

It’s essential to establish kind yet firm limits without being swayed by their intense emotions. Remember, it’s okay for them to experience big feelings about your limits. You can use a huge amount of empathy with them to help them through their feelings, while ALSO holding to your limit.

I always say: You get to have your limit, and your child gets to feel how they want about it.

If your child is whining because they can’t have cookies before dinner for example, you can still say No and you can empathize that it’s hard to wait for dinner. The whining could be a hunger issue, in which case you might have to put up with it until dinner time. It might be a bid for connection. See if your child wants to hop up on a stool and help you make dinner. Give them a smile and say you know it’s so hard to wait for dinner and how you would love their help.

What to avoid

Ever heard the advice to ignore the whining or ask them to use their “grown-up voice” or saying “I can’t hear you when you speak like that”? Here’s a different perspective: when your child whines, they’re communicating a need, and that’s okay! Just like you comfort a crying baby, responding to whining provides comfort, presence, attention, or connection.

I think sometimes as parents, we worry that if we provide love, empathy and connection for a behaviour that is “bad”, we will encourage the behaviour. I disagree with that. By seeing the needs underneath and meeting them, we are showing our child that we love them at their worst. That they can be anything and we will still meet their needs and love them.

Final thoughts

Remember, behind every whine, there’s a message waiting to be decoded. Your child isn’t trying to make your life harder intentionally—they’re having a tough time and need your help to navigate their feelings. Understanding the needs beneath their behaviour is key.