Getting kids to listen has to be one of the most frustrating parts of parenting.  I feel like no matter what kind of parent you are, you likely experience this problem.

We ask our child to do something and they don’t listen, continue doing what we asked them to stop, yell back at us, run away, say No, the list goes on.

It can make our blood boil.

The feeling of not being listened to goes deep.  We immediately feel like failures as parents.  Even if we aren’t conscious of it on the surface, the fear is lurking underneath.

This fear might come from our own childhoods, where not listening to a parent likely would have resulted in some pretty bad punishments.

As parents, I think it’s burned into our minds that when kids don’t listen immediately, it means they are bad kids, or we are bad parents, or they are never going to learn.  We go from zero to 100 real quick when this fear is triggered.

time for a shift in perspective

One of the key pieces in gentle parenting is realizing that our children are doing the best they can in any given moment.  If they are refusing to do something, it is because they are lacking the skills to do it IN that moment.

Perhaps their resources are low.  They are tired, hungry, upset, overwhelmed, disconnected, overstimulated, etc.  

Just because your child is capable of doing something in one moment, doesn’t mean they are capable of it EVERY moment.  

They are humans, just like you.

Have you ever got home from a long day of work and thought to yourself “Uh, I just can’t cook dinner tonight”.  So you order food?   Why?  You cooked dinner yesterday.  You are capable of cooking dinner.  Does that mean you will never cook dinner again?   No.  You just gave yourself grace.

But when our kids can’t put their socks on today and they are crying and just need help, we don’t give them grace.  We yell that THEY can do it.  If we ask them to clean up and they don’t listen, we yell because it’s their toys. 

Your kids are doing the best they can in any given moment, with the resources they have available to them at the time.

Once you believe that, you can look at your child with softness. With a greater desire to help them get through this moment.

Your child is not acting “badly” to annoy you, disrespect you or make your life miserable.  

Look at your child as having the BEST possible intentions in any given moment.  

Look at this child not as a person you need to teach a lesson to, but as this tiny human that you love.  

That tiny human doesn’t need to be yelled at in order to do better.  They are already doing their best and they need your grace, help, tenderness and patience.

Think of it like running

One day the kids and I were walking to a park on a nice sunny day. I was wearing flip flips and carrying a water bottle. My son asked me casually “Mom, how fast can you run?”

“When, right now?” I said

“Yeah, right now.”

“Well, I’m not wearing proper shoes for running and I’m carrying a heavy bottle, so probably not very fast” I replied

“Ok well, how fast can you run normally?” he continued

“It depends where I was and what was going on. But if I had on my running shoes and running shorts and I wasn’t in the heat like this, I could probably run pretty fast!”

Think of your child’s behaviour like running. They can’t always run the same speed. It really depends on the conditions. If they are tired, hungry, overwhelmed, frustrated, disconnected, or it’s just a not a good moment, they won’t be at their best.

Getting kids to listen is not an emergency

Getting kids to listen feels like an emergency. We tell them no jumping on the couch and they don’t listen and immediately we go into fear. It doesn’t feel like fear, but that is what is underneath our urgency.

Fear that they will never listen. Fear that we aren’t a good parent if we can’t get our kids to listen. Fear that we don’t know what we’re doing. Fear that we have a child who does whatever they want. It goes on and on.

That fear leads us to try to act with force immediately. Alarm bells go off in our mind and we feel like it is an emergency! This is when we threaten, punish, control or yell.

Remind yourself, this is not an emergency. You can take a moment to make sure you are CALM before you react.

What is the story in your mind?

When your child isn’t listening to you, ask yourself “What is the story in my mind?” Often the story is things like “He is just trying to be difficult!”, “He never listens!”, “She is so stubborn, she just wants a fight!”.

Now ask yourself if you can change that story to see your child in the best possible light. Remember, your child is doing the best they can with what they have in this moment. Give your child grace and see if you can change the story in your mind about why they aren’t listening.

What do you really need to teach your child in that moment? And how is the best way to teach that lesson? And is your child in a position to understand the lesson in this moment?

Connection is the key ingredient

If we want our kids to listen to us when we make a request, we have to focus on the relationship we have with them.

If we don’t have a strong relationship, we really are counting on using power, fear, bribes, and punishments.  

A magical thing happens when we focus on our relationship.  Our kids WANT to behave.  They feel so strongly bonded to us that they will do something we ask, even if they don’t want to.

I’m sure you have experienced that.  Have you ever done something for someone you love deeply that you wouldn’t normally do?

Perhaps you’ve had a boss in your life who did the opposite of creating a relationship with you.  Perhaps they used fear or power to control you.  How did you feel going to work?

Humans do best when we feel connected to each other.

“The level of cooperation a parent gets from their children is usually equal to the level of connection children feel with their parents.”
Pam Leo

Connection strategies

Connection doesn’t mean just loving our kids.  We all love our kids.  Connection is a deeper feeling of bonding.  

I describe it to our kids like this: They have a Love Tank inside them and when their love tank is running low, they have a hard time listening, they might feel sad, and just have a hard time feeling good.

There are lots of ways to connect and fill their love tank. More ideas in THIS post.

It’s the little things

Focus on the little things with your kids and it can make a big difference.  Simple things like smiling and making eye contact when they enter a room, giving them our full and undivided attention when they tell a story or ask us a question, touching their face and giving a quick kiss, saying “I love you”

Those little things may seem obvious, but sometimes we get so busy with life, we leave them out.

Play

Play is one of the very best ways to connect with our kids.  Kids speak the language of play.  When we join them in play, we speak their love language loud and clear.

“Play is the work of childhood.”
Jean Piaget

You can play trucks and Barbies with your kids, for sure.  Especially if you do it mindfully by putting your phone down, focusing only on the your child and really delighting in them.  Dr. Laura Markham calls this Special time.  It is extremely valuable.

For me though, play that involves laughter is the ultimate connection.  Deep belly laughs that bring us joy to our core.  That fills my love tank more than sitting and playing with dolls ever would!   Don’t get me wrong, dolls are great!   Truthfully though, I can see that my kids feel their love tank filled up more this way too.

We do this with babies all the time.  We play peek a boo.  We make whatever funny noises we can just get that sweet laugh.  We even do this with toddlers a bit.  When do we stop?  And why?

Making your kids laugh should be an essential tool in your parenting toolbox.

Chase them around pretending to grab their toes, have sock fights, pretend to be a shark in the water nipping at their toes as they run past.  

These things are a bit silly and it might take awhile to embrace your silly side.  If you haven’t been a silly parent up until now, this might seem hard for you.

I highly recommend reading the book Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen

Practical ways to get kids to listen

Looking for more practical steps and tools to get your kids to listen? Once you build the foundation of connection with your children, you can move onto more practical steps and strategies to move past defiance or not listening.

That’s why I created my audio course Punished to Playful. This course is going to teach you the exact How to steps of getting kids to listen: without threats, punishments or negative consequences. It’s practical, easy to listen to and will make a big difference in your home.

Learn about Punished to Playful

Free resources

You can also grab the free Parenting Playbook – it has over 30 play ideas to give you lots of amazing ideas on how to get your kids laughing.