There is endless research about the ineffectiveness of consequences and punishments. The use of punishments and consequences don’t work to change a child’s behaviour.
The Ultimate Guide to Punishments and Consequences
So you already know you want to try parenting without punishments or consequences. But HOW? Now you need an alternative to punishments that actually work.
What do you do if your child doesn’t listen or they do something bad? If you aren’t using punishments, do you just let your child get away with everything? Do you ignore bad behaviour?
There is a lot of confusing in the gentle or positive parenting world about this topic. I assure you, the naysayers on gentle parenting don’t properly understand what it is and how to do it effectively.
Gentle parenting or positive parenting doesn’t raise entitled brats who do whatever they want. It doesn’t raise snowflakes who can’t handle disappointment or a harsh world. Those people are speaking from a place of ignorance and fear.
The trouble is, this new approach to parenting is very nuanced. There is a lot to it and parents tend to get it wrong because they are flooded with information and misinformation about how to go about it. If you want help with this, be sure to check out coaching options HERE.
Let’s take a look at how to parent effectively without punishments and consequences. Here are 3 effective alternatives to punishments and consequences.
Alternative to Punishments #1: Connection vs. Control
Traditional parenting relies mostly on using control to get a child to do something. Punishments and consequences are a form of control. We are attempting to control our child’s behaviour through fear, disappointment and shame. It was believed at one time that if a child feels bad, they will learn not to repeat the behaviour.
What we now know is that children are not making a choice to be bad. Children want to do well.
Even if control worked to change behaviour (which it doesn’t), we can’t actually control our children anyway. The punishments have to get bigger and stronger. Our children push back more and more until our relationship is so frayed, it usually comes to a head when they are teenagers.
So we can’t control our children, even if we wanted to. We can only influence them. In order to behave, they have to CARE what we think and say. It’s a revolutionary concept. Once you wrap your mind around it, you will begin to see how gentle parenting works.
“The inevitable result of consistently using power to control our kids when they are young, is that we never learn how to influence them”
Thomas Gordon
What our children want more than anything is to be in good rapport with us. They will do something that they don’t necessarily want to do, or see no value in doing (like cleaning their room or putting the toys away), when they’re feeling connected to us. When we are in true connection with someone, we will do things for them and with them that we maybe don’t even want to.
And this is not about manipulating our kids. This is about being so connected with them that they WANT to behave. I’m sure you are the same way. If you are feeling very connected and bonded with your partner, wouldn’t you be more willing to make their lunch or bring them coffee? What about if you had a big fight? Probably you wouldn’t have such good will towards them then.
Connection is such an effective alternative to punishments because it creates influence.
Make sure you check out the Punished to Playful course with real practical steps and strategies to do this!!
Other articles that might help you:
Getting Kids to Listen: The Missing Connection
A Parent’s Guide To Getting Cooperation Through Connection
The Ultimate Guide to Punishments and Consequences
Connection Strategies
Tool 1: Quality Time
Spending quality, distraction free (that means no tv or phone) time with your child every day is a huge way to fill their cup. Make it your mission to make sure you are spending this time with each child, every day. Even if you have to split this into smaller 5 minute chunks.
Play with them, do an activity together, laugh with them, do an art project, snuggle on the couch, play outside, bake cookies, chat about things that are important to them and truly listen.
Tool 2: Play
Along with quality time, use play to connect to your children and get them to listen and cooperate. Play is the language of children and when you can play with them, in a way that gets them laughing, you will have so much more success in getting them to listen, and you will leave feeling connected.
Try to think of play, not as an alternative to punishments, but as a way to connect and fill your child’s cup. The more their cup is filled, the easier it will be for them to listen when you ask them to do things.
Grab the Free Parenting Playbook
Alternative to Punishments # 2: The Power Of Empathy
You can’t use gentle parenting without getting really comfortable with how to give your child empathy. Giving empathy means welcoming all feelings and accepting that all feelings are safe, normal and health.
Providing for all feelings means allowing your child to cry, get mad, be frustrated, and every other emotion without attempting to stop it or fix it. Of course we can redirect behaviour if anger turns into hitting for example. The point is that no emotion is bad or shameful. We don’t need to “fix” big feelings.
This is difficult for a lot of parents who did not grow up this way. We were told that crying was a weakness or that “good” girls or boys didn’t cry or cause a fuss. We were told to do it in private because no one wants to deal with that.
Getting comfortable with witnessing your child’s discomfort is key. If your child is having a hard time and they are crying or screaming, you might feel an urgency to stop it or fix it. This is your indication that you have some inner work to do.
4 Powerful Tools To Provide Empathy
Providing empathy during a tantrum or meltdown can be so difficult, but it is also key to having your child feel safe with you.
Once a child can experience hard feelings with a loving adult, they will realize that they made it through and they can survive it. That is what builds resilience. Knowing that things get hard and they can do hard things. They also learn that their feelings aren’t scary to you and you will be there for them no matter what. This opens the door for strong connection and bonding. They will be able to come to you when life gets hard.
alternative to punishments#3: limit Setting
Figuring out how to say NO to your child, or make a request and have them listen to it, that is the hardest part of parenting! Truthfully. Limit and boundary setting is so hard for so many parents.
Sometimes we set limits that are too harsh and firm, without any empathy. For example: “Get the markers out of the living room, NOW!”
Sometimes we set limits with not enough firmness and let kids walk all over us. For example: feeling uncomfortable about markers in the living room but not saying anything so our child is not upset.
Sometimes we set limits with the perfect balance. For example: “Hey sweetie, I am concerned about the markers in the living room. Let’s move them over into the kitchen so it’s safer.”
Limit Setting Tools
Tool #1: Purpose
Here is the part about setting limits that is so so important: figuring out why you are setting a limit to begin with. Asking yourself “is this a boundary that I need to be holding?”
I encourage you to really get clear on why you are saying No or asking your child to do something. Often we just say No out of habit or because we think “kids shouldn’t do that”
There are certain things that are clear firm limits, like wearing a seatbelt in the car or a helmet when we bike.
Then there are things that we can let go of; like wearing a rain jacket outside or having to get in the bath tonight. Can we be flexible? Can we allow our child to make a choice about this?
The more flexible you can be with your limits with the things that really don’t matter, the more your child will be willing to listen when it’s a hard no.
Tool # 2: Curiosity
When we get curious about why our child wants to do certain things, it helps us to figure out how to set a limit. For example: “Hey sweetie. I’m feeling worried about having the markers in the living room. Can you tell me what you’re trying to do?”
Instead of giving a knee jerk “No” (unless there’s imminent danger to people or property), can you pause and get curious? Maybe you will find out that your child wants to keep the lids of the markers on and use them as sticks to make a pretend fire. Perhaps that would be allowed. Maybe they want to color by the fire because they are chilly. So then perhaps you could set up a little table for them so they don’t color on anything else.
Getting curious will help you really understand what drives your child’s behaviours.
Tool #3: Win/Win
Once you got clear on your purpose and decided if this is a limit you need to set right now, then you get curious, next try creating a win/win.
Creating a win/win might mean that you hold your limit, but you figure out how to make it more palatable to your child.
For example: Yes we have to go to swimming lessons, but we can listen to your choice of song in the car, you can take a toy with you on the way, or you can have a piggy back on the way to the car.
There are many more nuances to how to set limits with your kids. Learn ALL of them in the Punished to Playful course!
Conclusion
I hope these effective alternatives to punishments and consequences will give you a good start on understanding gentle parenting and how it can work for your family in a wonderful way.
Free Parenting Resources
Parenting Playbook: A parents guide to getting cooperation through connection
Yelling Handbook: 6 Steps to a more peaceful home
Sibling No Sharing Rulebook: 4 Rules to guide sharing amongst siblings
Punished to Playful: a How to Guide for Getting Kids to Listen Without Threats or Punishments
