The Ultimate Guide To Consequences And Punishments: what parents need to know

There seems to be quite a bit of confusion in the parenting world about the term “consequences” and what it means. Then there’s logical consequences, natural consequences, related consequences and imposed consequences. Not to mention punishments. What do all these terms mean and what do you use? Let’s break it down.

Natural Consequences

Anytime we do something in life, there is a natural consequence. Something that happens as a result of our action. If I take a rain coat outside when it’s wet, the natural consequence is that I’ll stay dry. If my child refuses his coat, the natural consequence is that he might be wet and cold.

Other examples of natural consequences:

I forgot my lunch at home so I am hungry at school/work
I didn’t check traffic reports so it took me longer to get to work
My child stood on the chair and it tipped over and he got hurt
Child hits his sister and now she is sad and doesn’t want to play with him

You get the idea.

When it comes to parenting, natural consequences occur with zero involvement from us. We don’t do anything to “make” a natural consequence for a behaviour. Some behaviours don’t have a natural consequence. We can’t “add” one to make it a learning experience.

Natural consequences are very effective in teaching us humans to do differently next time. I might set an alarm tomorrow so I don’t forget my lunch. Or be sure to check the traffic maps before I leave for work. My child might remember to not stand on the chair next time because he got hurt.

The learning that happens from a natural consequence is much stronger if we don’t give our child an “I told you so…” message. When we drill in the “I told you so…” part, that is usually the part they remember and not the actual learning from the consequence.

Logical or Related Consequences

In the parenting world, related and logical consequences refers to giving a chid a consequence that is linked to the behaviour.

Child is splashing in the bath and won’t stop so bath time is over now
Siblings are fighting over a toy so we put the toy away
Child is swinging a stick in the house so we take the stick
Child is smearing paint on the table so we put the paints up

These types of consequences can be an effective learning opportunity. The problem however is that it all depends on the way it’s delivered.

Here’s an example:

If my child is splashing in the bath and I have told him to stop, I could tell him bath time is over as a logical consequence. If I say this harshly, snatch him out of the tub and declare “You are coming out now! No splashing!!” – THAT is a punishment. It makes your child feel bad and removes any learning he can experience.

If I can stay calm and say “mommy said no splashing in the bath. Since you’re having trouble stopping splashing, we are ending our bath time now. I’m going to drain the water. Here is your towel, come get dry my love!” – That is an effective and loving logical consequence.

Terminology

I don’t love the term logical consequence to be honest. When you deliver a logical consequence in a calm, firm and loving way – that is what I call a limit or a boundary

Limits and Boundaries

Limits and boundaries are absolutely key in teaching your child what he/she needs to learn. Sometimes people worry that gentle or peaceful parenting means having no boundaries and just being kind to your kids.

Letting your kids do whatever they want is not kind. It’s unsafe and unloving. They need to learn how to behave and as their teachers, we need to set appropriate limits.

Punishments and Consequences

What do you think of when you hear the word punishment? Does it invoke memories of “wait until dad gets home” and then the belt comes out? Sadly, this memory is true for a lot of parents. Punishments in the form of physical abuse like hitting, spanking and swatting are clearly extremely detrimental to a child’s development. Physical punishments are not the only kind of punishments however.

When I think of punishments, it goes hand in hand with the word consequence.

Consequences are punishments in disguise.

Anything you give a child to make them feel BAD is a punishment. It is done to control their behaviour.

“You can’t have ice cream after dinner because you didn’t pick up your toys”
“Forget about going to the birthday party tomorrow”
“If you can’t learn to be kind to your brother, no iPad time for you”

These are all consequences of a child’s behaviour. But they are given to make the child feel bad. They have to miss out on something fun, don’t receive something good or have to lose something they enjoy.

These things are punishments, consequences and imposed consequences. They are all really the same thing.

Why punishments are failing you

You might be reading this hoping for some clarity as to why your child won’t listen to you, continues to hit, scream, or act badly even after everything you have tried. Punishments are failing you my friend.

Focus is on the wrong thing

We expect that when we give our child a punishment or consequence, they are sitting there thinking “this is bad, i should definitely not do that again” – and then they learn, right? No, that’s not how it works.

Your child isn’t thinking about their behaviour and how to change it, but rather about the punishment itself. They are thinking about how mean you are, how unfair it is, and how angry/sad/scared they are about the punishment. The child ends up thinking about themselves and not how their behaviour effects others.

It kinda backfires.

Punishments don’t solve problems

In Ross Greene’s book “The Explosive child”, he explains how punishments make the assumption that the child WON’T comply. When in fact, children want to comply, but they truly CAN’T with the skills/situation/temperment/environment that they are in. The theme in his book is “Children do well when they can”.

If they are having trouble with hitting, or listening, or coming when asked; punishments don’t provide any further skills. Punishments and consequences don’t allow any understanding of why the problem occurred and any solutions for the future.

“The reason reward and punishment strategies haven’t helped is because they won’t teach your child the skills he’s lacking or solve the problems that are contributing to challenging episodes.” Ross Greene

Control only works in the short term

Punishments and consequences are an attempt to control our kids behaviour. This can work in the short term. When we yell, threaten, bribe or punish, the child will often comply due to fear or excitement about a reward (if you have a kid who will comply). These effects are short term however.

Once kids become teenagers (or before), they will begin to push back hard on the idea of control. This is why so many teens become rebellious. They don’t want to be controlled anymore.

In reality, we can’t control our child’s behaviour forever. We can only influence them to make the right choices. And when we punish, we are only exerting control and not teaching the skills to make the right choices.

Read more about control vs influence HERE

3 Effective alternatives to punishments

Compliance isn’t the goal

If we could get our kids to comply with punishments and consequences, is that truly the long term goal? Do we want children who just comply? Sure, sometimes we need kids to simply listen, but doing it with punishments doesn’t allow the child to learn, question, explore options and problem solve for the future.

We don’t want to raise children who simply comply with people in a power position. When we attempt to control their behaviour, we aren’t thinking long term about the kind of people we really want to raise.

Punishments damage our connection

Punishments create a wedge in our relationship with our child. If you know me at all, you know Connection is the first pillar of gentle parenting. It’s the like the roots of the tree.

Read the blog post about connection here: A Parent’s Guide to Getting Cooperation through Connection

When we use consequences and punishments, our children hold onto feelings of anger and sadness about the punishments and feelings of being misunderstood. They are also confusing for a child. The person who is supposed to love them the most and who they seek the greatest connection with, is breaking their trust and causing them to feel unsafe. This is quite damaging to a child’s brain and development.

Learning is impossible

When we are trying to teach our child to alter their behaviour, we need their thinking brain to be online. When the child is in their more reactive part of the brain (activated when they are threatened), they can’t learn the lesson you are trying to teach.

This is especially true for young children who are put in a time out because of a tantrum or meltdown. The child’s brain is not in its thinking state and can’t rationalize their punishment, especially when left alone.

Child feels shame

Punishing a child sends the message that “you are bad”. We tend to think we are sending the message that “this behaviour is bad”, but your child will internalize . The child, left alone to their thoughts, will create the story that “I am bad”.

When this message is received enough times, it will become part of their identity. These internal messages can become so strong that the child believes they can’t be any other way but bad.

Punishments increase lying

The child will try to avoid punishment in the future and start to simply lie to avoid it. Your child has to feel safe in order to tell the truth. The more they are punished, the less safe with you the will feel.

This can also put a strain on sibling relationships because they want their sibling to be the one “in trouble.”

Punishments and rewards undermine motivation

It has been proven in many research studies that rewards actually hinder motivation. Intrinsic motivation, the kind that comes from within, is active when we are enjoying our work, actively pursuing a goal or working together for the greater good. Extrinsic motivation comes outside us in the form of rewards, money, prizes, etc.

Research shows that when a person is given a reward to do a task (even a simple one like taking out the garbage), they no longer have intrinsic motivation to do it. They learn that only a fool would do it for nothing.

For more help to raise incredible kids without using punishments, be sure to check out the Punished to Playful course: a How To Manual for Getting Kids to Listen Without Threats or Punishments.