Are you struggling to stay calm with your kids? Do you find yourself yelling, triggered by their behaviour? Do you wish you could stop yelling at your kids, but find that it’s impossible because the anger takes over and you can’t control it?
I used to scream at my kids. The guilt was almost immediate and I would vow to do better. But then I would yell again, and again.
As I educated myself on more positive parenting discipline and alternatives to threats and punishments, I read about the negative effects of yelling on my kids. I knew I needed to do better.
If you struggle with staying calm and yelling at your kids, you know the cycle I’m talking about. The desire to do better, the inability to do it, and the guilt that comes along with it.
So why couldn’t you stop yelling at your kids? Even though you really want to?
why it’s almost impossible to stay calm
I’m not a brain scientist! However, I have done a lot of reading about the brain and why this is SO difficult. It does come down to science.
Your nervous system is always scanning your environment for threats and safety. The amygdala, in your limbic system, is responsible for detecting threat, triggering a quick response (so you can run away from threat) and activate your fight, flight or freeze response.
When your amygdala detects something that your nervous system sees as a threat, you will go into fight, flight or freeze response.
Yes, your child’s behaviour looks like a threat to your system.
Your prefrontal cortex, the forefront of your brain, is responsible for logic, reasoning, and impulse control. When you go into fight, flight or freeze, your prefrontal cortex goes offline temporarily.
Meaning, you can’t think straight.
You don’t have access to your impulse control, reasoning and logic. Your brain is designed that way to keep you safe. If you detect threat, you don’t have time to think, you just have to act. Quickly. Thanks amygdala.
The fight response in this case is yelling. The anger that you feel in that moment becomes energy in your body that NEEDS to be released. Your brain gives you this surge of energy (again, so you can escape a threat quickly).
When we yell, it is a fast and immediate release of energy and often for a brief moment it feels….good! It feels good to release this energy.
The thing is, no one deserves to be yelled at.
No matter what your child does, they don’t deserve your anger to be unleashed on them.
If you are working on using positive parenting, you likely already know the negative effects of yelling on your kids. It’s ok to be angry, we can’t stop anger. It actually is designed to keep us safe. But unleashing it on our kids causes damage to them, your relationship and their ability to listen and cooperate.
how can we stop yelling?
The amazing thing about the brain is that it can change and rewire. We know that our brain has neuroplasticity and has the ability to re-learn patterns of behaviour.
In order to end yelling as an automatic response, we have to interrupt the pattern and create a pause in between the signal that your child’s behaviour is a threat and your response to it.
I know this all sounds complicated and out of your control. But it’s not! You absolutely can do it. It does take work however. The patterns of yelling you have took years to develop and wire in. It makes sense that you can’t change it overnight.
Two simple things you can do
There is a lot you can do to re-wire your brain and change the patterns of yelling. Here are two simple ideas you can try today:
check in with yourself
Often we think our anger comes out of nowhere. Sometimes it does, but often there are warning signs. The problem is that we have never tuned into ourselves enough to notice them.
Anger is a feeling and it actually does FEEL like something in your body. A tight chest, clenched jaw or fists, tension across your forehead. Where does anger live for you? If you make it a practice to check in with yourself often throughout the day, you can interrupt your patterns and bring conscious thought to how you are feeling.
Perhaps you begin to notice that as your children are getting louder and louder around dinner time, you are starting to have a fast heart rate, clenched jaw and the early signs of annoyance. If things continue, you are likely to explode!
Ask yourself “what do I need right now?”
Perhaps a simple awareness and drink of water will help. A quick trip alone to the bathroom does wonders! The key is to check in often enough that you begin to notice yourself building anger up.
reduce stress
We are a lot more likely to explode in anger when we are tired, overwhelmed, feeling unsupported or stressed. Reducing your overall stress is key to ending your yelling.
Put yourself high on your priority list and make sure you are getting what you need to bring your overall stress down. Walks in nature, meditation, chats with a friend, a warm bath, journalling. Whatever it is that works for you. Schedule it! Put yourself in your calendar.
More help
Learn more about the 9 Essential steps to end yelling at your kids today
