Every parent knows a thing or two about meltdowns.  We really can’t escape parenthood without tackling a lot of meltdowns.  

In this blog post, we’ll explore the art of providing empathy during a meltdown and how it can be a game changer to help your child really feel truly understood and help calm down.

Meltdowns: Your Reactions

Before you use the 4 empathy tools below, it’s important to take a look at what you are thinking and feeling about the meltdown. 

It is almost impossible to provide empathy to your child if you are raging mad inside, yelling or feeling totally flooded by your child’s emotions.

When our child is melting down, it is very hard to keep our cool.  We usually go into anger ourselves and frankly, have our own adult tantrum.  Or we might just feel so uncomfortable seeing our child cry and scream like this.  It feels very out of control.

Perhaps these big feelings weren’t allowed when you were a child.  Doing our own inner work to discover why it is so triggering for us is important.  Working with a parent coach can be a game changer for you.  Redeem your free 30 min coaching call now.

In order to deal with a meltdown, we first have to see our child as a child who is struggling, not a child who is being bad on purpose. 

Other articles that might help you:

Getting Kids to Listen: The Missing Connection

Why It’s Almost Impossible to Stay Calm (And how to end yelling)

Grab the complete guide to meltdowns (tantrums)

Giving Empathy During a Meltdown

Empathy is the magic ingredient during a meltdown.  It can seem to parents that providing empathy while their child is melting down can convey that the behaviour is acceptable.  

I think the first thing to remember is that we don’t have to agree with a behaviour in order to provide empathy.  Empathy can be given freely, without fear of what it portrays. 

Imagine if you were having a hard time and snapped at your spouse.  If they gave you empathy in that moment, would you feel like you then had permission to snap at them in the future?  Not likely. 

Empathy teaches your child:

• That feelings are safe to express and they don’t have to hide behind them
• That you will be there for them, loving them no matter what
• That kindness is being there to support those we love when they are struggling

The other thing to remember is that meltdowns are not manipulation.  There is a reason every child in the history of the world has meltdowns.  They are your child’s way of ridding their body of emotions that they don’t know what else to do with.

Meltdowns are actually quite healing for your child.  Tears release chemicals that make us feel good, healed, lighter.  Even though they can be so frustrating and upsetting, it helps so much to think about them as a healing and necessary process.

How to Give Empathy: 4 Powerful Tools

Tool 1: Hold Space – Listen Without Judgement

During a meltdown, your role as a parent is to hold space for your child’s emotions. Imagine having a big basket in front of you, and your child gets to dump all their feelings into it without fear of judgment. 

Sit calmly with them, usually on the floor, and say as little as possible. If you want to say anything, you can say things that are simply reassuring like:

“I’m right here”   “This is so hard”  “Everything will be ok”

Your presence and empathy during a meltdown will send a powerful message that their emotions are accepted and you aren’t afraid of them.

You don’t need to fix anything during this time.  Let’s say your child is melting down because you cut their toast wrong.  You don’t have to fix the toast.  Frankly, it likely won’t help.   The meltdown is likely not about the toast at all.

Meltdowns are an accumulation of little hurts they have experienced that built up to that one moment.  It doesn’t take much sometimes!   An incident with a sibling, a frustration over something small and them boom, they are over the edge.

Holding space is just being a witness to someone’s pain.  Letting go of the “should” part is the hardest.  My child “should” listen.  My child “should” be able to do this.  My child “should” be able to hold it together.  My child “shouldn’t be acting like this”.   Hands up if you ever thought that?

Tool 2: Name The Feeling – Build Emotional Intelligence

Giving a name to your child’s feelings during a meltdown can be a powerful tool in helping them feel understood. Saying things like “You are so sad!” or “That made you so mad!” validates their emotions. 

Dan Siegel calls this “Name it to tame it”.   

Additionally, modelling emotional intelligence by naming your own feelings in front of them can enhance their understanding and expression of emotions, particularly for younger children.

When you are upset, make sure you say outloud things like “I am feeling very frustrated, I need a moment to calm down”.   Or “I am so angry right now.  I need a second before we talk.”

Building emotional intelligence in our children is critical to how they respond in the future.  Take a look at how you deal with emotions.  Are you yelling and storming off?  Are you holding it all in and never saying anything until you explode?  Are you blaming your children for how they make you feel?

Learn more about The Roadmap to Calm: Your 9 Day Stop Yelling Reset

Tool 3: Mirroring – Stepping Into Their Shoes

The technique of mirroring is so powerful.  During a meltdown, when we mirror, it helps our child really feel seen and understood.   All humans truly want to just feel seen.  We don’t want to hear words like “It’s no big deal, why are you so upset?”  Or “time to calm down”

That doesn’t help us at all!  In fact, if my spouse says “calm down” I tend to get a little more upset!

Once we feel understood, we can work to move past our upset.  

The way I describe mirroring is to speak to your child from their point of view, as if you were them.  

Saying things like: “You really want to stay up and not go to bed!”  “You love ice cream, you wish you could have lots more”  “You wanted to buy that toy!  You are so sad to leave it behind”

Notice how these phrases don’t have any fixing in them.  They don’t have any “BUT…..

Simply reflect to your child what they are likely thinking or feeling.  You are creating a bridge with your child so they can really know that you understand.  We want or child to think “yeah, she gets it”

The key to this is to not rush it.  It doesn’t help your child calm down if you say “You want another cookie.  I get it.  But you can’t have one, it’s almost dinner”   That is too fast, it doesn’t allow your child to just feel their feelings and move past it.

Just sit with your child, mirror their feelings and just BE.  You don’t need to DO much of anything.

Tool 4: Distraction – Getting back to the thinking brain

Often, the tools of holding space and mirroring will be enough to allow your child to come out of their meltdown.

Note: If you are new to this, your child’s meltdowns might get MORE intense when you first begin because they have never been allowed to fully express their emotions before.  Once they feel safe to do so, you might find that they actually ramp up at first.   Stick with it, it’s working.

If you find your child holding onto their upset feelings for an extended period of time, you can try distraction tools.

Distraction is a tricky tool because the idea is not to distract your child right from the beginning so that they don’t feel anything.  We want them to be able to get the tantrum and feelings out because it is healing for them.  

If we distract them right from the beginning, it will just build up in their system and make things worse.

To use these distraction tools, you want to do it AFTER you have used the other tools.   After you have sat with your child (calmly) and held space for their feelings, and mirrored their feelings using words, then you can try distraction.

Distraction Ideas:

Move to another location:

Tell your child “Let’s go snuggle in your bed and see if that helps” or “Come sit over here on the couch with your blanket”.  A change of location and the act of walking to it can be a great tool to bring them into their thinking brain.

Sensory items:

Create a calming basket or calm down corner in your home filled with fidget toys, sensory water bottles, squish items, blankets, bubble wands, etc.  Giving your child an item like this can create a distraction for their mind.

5-4-3-2-1 Game

This is a game where you ask your child to tell you 5 things they can see, 4 things they can touch, 3 things they can hear, 2 things they can smell and 1 thing they can taste.  This helps bring their thinking brain back online.

Water

Water is always very calming for the nervous system.  Giving them a cold drink of water with an ice cub in it, taking them to the bathroom to wash their hands and let them play in warm water, run a bath, walk to a creek or pond, or even give them ice cubes to hold in their bare hands.

Breathing

 Breathing gets a lot of press for working to calm the nervous system down because it works! 

However, telling a child to “breath” during a meltdown doesn’t work. It’s like telling me to “slam dunk that ball”.  I can’t!!   If you haven’t practiced deep breathing with your child when they are calm, they will not be able to use this tool when they are upset.

The easier way to use breath work during a meltdown is to use an item they can visually see or imagine in their mind.  Something they can smell like essential oils, a flower, a coffee can or something sweet.  You can hold it in front of them and say “smell this deeply through your nose”.  Tell them to breath the smell deeply.

You can also hold something up in front of them for them to blow on.  Like a spinning pin wheel, a scrap of paper, or even your finger pretending to be a candle.  Tell them to take a breath into their nose to smell and then blow out the candle.

These visuals help a child take a deep enough breath during a meltdown to signal to their brain that they are safe and can calm down.

Food

Don’t underestimate the power of a snack during a meltdown!  Again, this is to be used AFTER you have let them express their feelings.  Go grab a snack that they love and sit on the floor or couch with them and see if they will eat it.  Having something to do with their mouth and getting energy into their body can help a great deal.

Conclusion

In the midst of a meltdown, empathy becomes the anchor that guides you and your child back to a place of connection. By holding space, naming feelings, and employing mirroring techniques, you provide the support and understanding your child needs during these challenging moments. 

Remember, empathy is not about agreeing with the behaviour but about acknowledging and validating the emotions behind it. In doing so, you empower your child to navigate their emotions and build a strong foundation for a trusting parent-child relationship.

Free Parenting Resources

Parenting Playbook: A parents guide to getting cooperation through connection

Yelling Handbook: 6 Steps to a more peaceful home

Sibling No Sharing Rulebook: 4 Rules to guide sharing amongst siblings

The Roadmap to Calm: 9 Day Stop Yelling Reset (this is a deep dive into how to end yelling) – this is a $27 mini course