Sibling Hitting: A parent's Guide to Understanding and Responding

Sibling Hitting: A parent’s Guide to Understanding and Responding

When a child hits a sibling and becomes aggressive, it can be one of the hardest things as a parent to watch. When your child hits their sibling, it is really hard to stay calm.

In this post, let’s talk about the three overall Steps you can take to deal with hitting and some key tools to coach your child.

Make sure you’re grabbing this Sibling Fights Guide Freebie as well!

I remember one particular incident when my son was about three and my daughter was under one. They were both playing happily on the floor with some toys. We had this truck that had been carved by my grandpa out of solid wood. It was beautiful.

Suddenly my son picked up this truck and, before I could stop him, threw it at my daughters head. At her head! It cut her forehead and I was furious. The anger I felt in that moment was fierce. I was shocked and angry and scared. How could he hurt his sister like that?

Over time I gained the knowledge and skills to understand situations like this and deal with them. Let’s take a look at sibling hitting using the Heartstring Steps model.

Step 1: Mindset

In the case of sibling hitting, our thoughts about this behaviour are a HUGE factor in our ability to handle it. We often see the aggressive child in a terrible light and it clouds our judgement and all of our actions.

Underneath the surface

When one child hits another, something is going on underneath the surface for that child. They might be holding onto a hurt from earlier in the day or week. They could be feeling very jealous of any and all attention you give to their sibling. They could also be simply tired, cranky, over stimulated or unsure of their feelings.

It is so important to see the hitting child as struggling. This is a child who is struggling with something. You might not know what it is in that very moment. But looking at your child through the lens of a child who is having a hard time is much more valuable than looking at them through the lens of a “bad” child.

Your child doesn’t want to be hitting their sibling. I can almost guarantee you that they feel awful when they do (even if they don’t show it). That child wants to be doing well.

Ross Greene, in his book, The Explosive Child, explains how children “Do well when they can” and when they can’t it’s because they are lacking the skills to do better in that moment with the resources available to them at the time.

Brain Developement

Important to note is also that children’s brains are not fully formed. They are not able to access the “thinking” part of the brain when the “emotional” part of the brain takes over. So when they are mad and go into their emotional state, the impulse to want to hit is stronger than their ability to stop themselves.

Even their simple impulses like “I wonder what happens when I hit him” will overtake the thinking brain. The prefrontal cortex is not fully developed until age 25, which means under the age of 7-9, it will be almost impossible for impulse control to be strong enough to stop those desires.

If you have a child who hits over and over when they are very angry, they are in an extremely dis-regulated state. When a child is having a meltdown and hitting, their brain is in it’s emotional state, not its thinking state.

Dr. Dan Siegel refers to this as “flipping your lid”. When a child is in this state of dis-regulation, the hitting they are doing is their “fight” state. They have lost the ability to think clearly and regulate themselves. We will talk more about regulation in Step 2.

As humans, we truly don’t need to feel bad to learn. Shame does not increase our ability to do well.

When we feel better, we do better.

What your child aggressive child needs in those hard moments is forgiveness and understanding, not shame, blame or punishments.

Kids who have trouble hitting often already feel very shameful. They have a hard time because they KNOW that what the have done is wrong. They can often feel very terrible because they know they shouldn’t be hitting but the can’t control themselves in the moment.

Giving that child connection and empathy won’t increase the hitting behaviour, it will lower the shame. And lowering the shame is so important. When they feel better, they can do better.

Step 2: Regulation

Self Regulation when sibling hit

The second step in the Heartstring Step model is Regulation. This is both regulating our own emotions and learning to co-regulate with our child. Our own regulation allows us to show up for our kids in the way we want to.

When your child hits their sibling, one thing that is definitely going to make the situation worse is if we go in yelling or punishing the aggressive child.

This step involves staying calm enough that you don’t yell out punishments or shame in anger. Step 1: changing your mindset, will really help with this. Once you realize that your child is not trying to be bad it is much easier to stay calm.

Think of it like this: if you enter the situation with aggressive angry energy, you are really adding fuel to the fire. Your children will already be in a heightened emotional state (where their thinking brain is offline). Your energy can either help calm things down or it can ramp things up.

Co-Regulation

Co-regulation is the act of regulating your nervous system with another nervous system. The incredible thing about humans is that our nervous systems actually communicate with each other. Have you ever been around someone who just makes you feel calm? Or someone who is always frantic and makes you feel stressed? We emit an energy frequency that our children can feel.

Your child can borrow your calm

Co-regulation is also so important because children actually don’t learn to regulate their emotions on their own. They only learn that skill by experiencing it with another person. They have to feel co-regulation in action in order to do it themselves later on.

So the ability to stay calm, even when your child is hitting, is crucial to teaching them how to calm themselves down in the future. If you are unable to do it, there is literally no way that your child will learn this important skill.

Strong Steady Captain

You might have a child who is in full blown meltdown mode when they hit you or other children. This can be really challenging and even scary. We start to wonder if something is really wrong with our child. We go into a state of fear. We are scared that they will never learn to stop hitting. That they are bad kids or we are bad parents.

This fear keeps us from seeing our child as they truly are: a child whose brain is in its emotional state and they are struggling.

Because here’s the thing: Your child needs to see that you are not afraid of their huge feelings. When they get so angry that they hit, this is quite scary for them. They went in to their emotional state and the way that they have acted might actually be scary. It’s almost like an out of body experience. What your child needs to know is that you are not afraid.

If YOU are showing you are afraid of their feelings and actions, they will definitely be terrified. Subconsciously, they will think “If my parents can’t handle this, I definitely can’t handle it”.

If you react in anger, if you yell and punish, if you pick up a younger child and leave the room, those are all signals to your child that you can’t handle them.

Step 3: Behaviour

This is the step where you can address the behaviour. Make sure you aren’t skipping Steps 1 and 2. They truly are the foundation for changing behaviour.

You can’t change your child’s behaviour unless you first change your thoughts about their behaviour.

Tool 1: Staying Safe

If you have a child who is really struggling with hitting, it really is important to keep everyone safe, without indicating to your hitting child that they are bad, scary or mean. Once again, your child doesn’t want to be hitting. The more you can stop that from happening in the first place, the better.

If your child is hitting a younger sibling often, you might need to always be present with your kids to avoid hitting, at least for a little while.

I know it’s not always possible, you have to get things done!! But if you know your child is likely to hit, you might want to stay really close by or keep your ears peeled for any signs of trouble. The second you hear your child getting dis-regulated or upset, move in quickly. Your goal is to stop the hitting, even if it means mid-air catching a fist.

Tool 2: Empathy

Hopefully after you have gone through steps 1 and 2, you are willing to see that the child who is doing the hitting deserves just as much empathy as the one being hit.

I have often heard the advice to only give empathy to the “victim” and ignore the “aggressor”. The trouble with that approach is that you are missing what’s underneath for the hitting child. What’s underneath will then only build and build and make the problem persist.

If you want to help the child who has been hit faster in the long run, you have to help the hitting child get past their feelings and develop skills. Remember, they can only learn to do better once they feel better.

The hitting child deserves just as much empathy as the victim. I would even argue that they need more empathy, love and understanding. The child who was hit will feel better shortly. The child who is doing the hitting is likely dealing with much larger things under the surface.

Tool 3: Staying Neutral

One of the pillars of raising kids who get along is being neutral in their arguments. When children feel that you are choosing sides or punishing one and not the other, sibling rivalry will only increase.

Staying neutral in sibling fights means not judging your children, even when you know one is “right” and one is “wrong”. This might seem almost impossible.

Don’t you have to take sides when one child hits another? Amazingly, you don’t. You can teach your child right from wrong without making them feel bad or wrong. Let’s talk about how to do that.

Tool 4: Language

The words that you use after hitting are really important. What we want to do is draw their attention to the results of their actions without taking sides, making them feel bad or punishing them.

Be careful of shaming phrases like:

“What were you thinking?”
“How could you do that?”
“I have told you so many times. We don’t hit!”

What you can say are things that simply point to facts, show your child the results of their actions and still be empathetic and neutral.

Here are some example:

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here to keep everyone safe”
“Oh boy, this is a hard situation. You were so upset and your sister got really hurt”
“It looks like you hit your brother and it really hurt him. Look, he is crying”
“Oh no, you hit your sister. You can tell her what you want without hitting her. Hitting hurts”

Tool 5: Talk about next time

After everyone is calm, you can let your child know what they can do next time. Remind them that their feelings are allowed, just not all behaviours are ok.

Give your child tools to use in the moment. Some ideas are: Call for help, put your hands on your head, give yourself a big bear hug, run away, stomp your feet. Choose 2 ideas at the most for younger kids. Outside the moment of hitting, remind your child they can use their tools.

“It’s ok to be mad at your brother, it’s not ok to hit him. Next time you are feeling mad, you can call mom for help or put your hands on top of your head”

This is not one conversation about how to handle anger. It takes kids a long time to learn this skill, and have the brain to support those skills. Don’t expect that the will stop hitting after a few conversations.

Out of the moment strategies

As I said, a child who is hitting is having struggles underneath their behaviour. This child needs increased connection from you in order to be at their best. Instead of coming down on this child to teach them to do better, what you need to do is increase your connection.

This is preventative maintenance. If you want your child to do better, they have to feel better. The very best way to do that is through connection.

Follow the connection strategies in this blog post

How to get an apology

What we often do when kids hit is that we tell them “no hitting” and make them apologize. That doesn’t teach them what to do next time, how to feel true empathy for their sibling or how to apologize from their heart.

In order to raise a child who makes a good apology, we have to stop forcing them to make them. An apology without meaning behind it is just words. We want our kids to WANT to apologize. How do we do that?

Model what a good apology is

Our kids learn everything by watching. In order for them to learn what apologies sound like, they need to witness us making them. When you yell at your kids, say something you regret or treat them in a way that you aren’t proud of, do you apologize to them?

A good apology doesn’t blame the other person or include a caveat. A good apology comes from the heart and takes full responsibility.

“I’m so sorry I yelled at you. I was angry and I yelled, I shouldn’t have done that”
“I don’t like how I spoke to you, I am sorry”
“I am learning to calm down when I’m mad too. I’m sorry I yelled”

You can also apologize to the child who has been hit “on behalf” of the hitting child. Something like “I’m so sorry you got hit. That must have hurt. Do you want a kiss?”

Encourage an apology

Point out the results of your child’s actions and encourage an apology without forcing it. You could say something like “It really hurt your brother when you hit him. Saying sorry might make him feel better.” Or “You got so mad that you hit. It’s ok to get mad, but hitting really hurts. Are you ready to say sorry?”

Sometimes kids don’t say sorry because again, they already know that it’s bad and they are in shame. They might need a little while. I always model this to my kids by saying “Ok, you can apologize when you’re ready”.

Let it go

After you have modelled it and encouraged it, you have to let it go. Let go of the fear that you will have a child who never apologizes.

If YOU are apologizing to them and always showing them how it’s done, they will learn. Remind yourself that your child isn’t bad if they won’t apologize immediately. And you are not a bad parent if you have a child who doesn’t apologize right away. It’s a learned behaviour, just like anything else.