As a parent coach and mom of two, I have seen my share of sibling fights. I know the daily struggle that many parents face when trying to keep the peace between their children and deal with constant fights and bickering.

Sibling fights are common, and it’s natural for siblings to squabble, but there are peaceful parenting techniques that can help you mediate these conflicts effectively. In this guide, I’ll walk you through the art of mediating sibling fights and fostering a loving, harmonious environment at home.

Understanding Sibling Rivalry: How much is  natural?

Sibling rivalry and sibling fights is a topic that hits close to home for many parents, myself included. I have two children, and like many siblings, they have their share of disagreements. In a way, sibling rivalry is a natural part of growing up. So, we should just deal with it, right?  I don’t think that’s necessarily true. 

Sibling rivalry can also be very toxic.  Sibling fights that are habitual cause a large amount of stress for your children.  If we want more peace and joy for our kids, we need to look at what we can do for their sibling relationship.

The Importance Of Good Sibling Dynamics

The Role of the Peaceful Parent: A force of calm

As a peaceful parent, I’ve learned that my behaviour sets the tone for how my children resolve conflicts with their sibling. When I stay calm and composed during their disagreements, it sends a powerful message. It tells them that conflicts can be resolved peacefully. 

I know this is easier said than done.  When your kids are hitting, yelling and screaming at each other, staying calm often goes out the window.   It is my hope that I can walk you through the process.

Key Elements of sibling Mediation

What does mediate a fight even mean?  It means your role is changing from Judge to Mediator.  Most parents enter a sibling argument in order to hear both sides, decide who is right or what should happen and set each child straight.

I want you to look at this in a whole new way.  Instead of being the judge, you are the mediator.  You don’t decide who is right.  You don’t even have to know what happened!   You simply have to be there to witness both parties come to a conclusion ON THEIR OWN.

Why Be a Mediator, Not A Judge

When you act as the judge in sibling fights, you have to know the whole story.  You have to know what happened, who said what, who hit who, who was playing with the toy first.   Then, you make your ruling.   Although this may seem fair and just to you, there are a few problems with this approach

• You aren’t teaching them how to solve the problem on their own.  When you are always the problem solver, you rob your children of the opportunity to learn how to build this skill.

• Sometimes there is no way for you to know the truth of what happened in a fight.  You weren’t there and getting the whole story is hard.  Being the mediator takes that pressure off!

• Sibling rivalry is exasperated by the feeling of being less loved, less understood, less right, and less cared for.  When you are the judge, usually one child feels right and the other feels wrong.  One of the first steps to resolving sibling rivalry is to STAY NEUTRAL. 

Let’s talk about how we can get started

a Step-by-Step sibling Mediation Guide

When a sibling fight does break out, your role as a parent is to mediate the conflict peacefully.  Remember, a mediator doesn’t make decisions, decide who is in the right, or take sides.

Step 1: Don’t Talk, Just Listen

The first step in being a mediator is listening.  Sounds easy.  Of course we all know it’s not.  When tensions are high and fists are flying, it’s pretty easy to bring in punishment, judgement or heat right away.

Just PAUSE.  Even if you know what happened, even if you saw one child hit another.  Just pause.  Don’t say anything at first.

Enter the situation and get in between your children physically.  Just sit.  Just listen.  

Step 2: Let Them Express Everything

As you listen, you will allow all parties to express everything they are feeling.  All the hurt, tears, pain and misunderstanding. 

Try to take turns having each sibling listen while the other talks.  This takes some time to practice as each child always wants to go first.  Reassure them that you are going to hear each side equally.

Encourage the silent child to be just that, silent with you.  You can even make an “ear” sign for listening and a “mouth” for talking and take turns holding them up.  I never had to do that much as my kids got to know quickly how it worked.

Step 3: No Pain is too Small

As you are listening, some sibling fights are absolutely ridiculous!  One child is upset that the other touched their bedroom door, or something equally trivial.  To your child however, in this moment, it is a big deal.  Don’t down play or belittle any hurt or pain.  Just accept it as their truth.

Step 4: Clarify

Spend a minute making sure you understand each side correctly.  You can rephrase what they said so the other child understand better as well.  “So you wanted to draw with the pink marker and your brother took it from you.  Then you felt angry and hit him, yes?  And (addressing other child) – you didn’t know she wanted the pink marker so you grabbed it to use it, is that right?”

You are still not placing blame, judgement or opinion.  Just stating the facts as you understand them.

You might be surprised during this step.  Sometimes what you thought was true, is not true.  Sometimes the child you thought hit the other or was in the wrong, was actually wronged themselves.  If you truly listen, you might learn a lot!

If you still can’t get clarity because there is conflicting “truths”, that’s ok!  Just state what each child has told you as THEIR truth.  If the other child is upset that it didn’t happen that way, you can say something like “sometimes people remember what happened differently.”  or “it’s not always easy to agree on what really happened”  or “agreeing on the truth isn’t always easy”

Amazingly for this to work, you don’t have to know the truth.  It’s ok if you don’t.

Step 5: Empathy To All

Now, express empathy to each child.  This is an important step, not to be missed.   Both siblings deserve empathy, even if you disagree with their actions.  Empathy doesn’t mean that you agree with the behaviour, it just means you see and understand your child’s hurt and frustrations.

My favourite phrase is “I’m sorry that happened”.  That can be true in almost any situation!

You can spend this time giving hugs, kisses, verbal empathy or whatever lands for your child.

Step 6: Calm 

Once each child has said their piece and you have heard it, understood it, and empathized with it; 90% of the time that will be enough to calm your children down.  Humans really just want someone to understand them, empathize with them and witness their pain.   Once you have done that, it usually brings calm.

Especially since you have been calm this ENTIRE time.  Your calm energy will bring them a sense of calm energy.

Step 7: Any Ideas?

Now, if there is still a lingering problem to solve – like who gets the toy or someone was hit – you will ask if anyone has any ideas.

“This is a problem.  Does anyone have any ideas how to solve this?”   This is such an important question!  It gets their brain turning.  

If someone poses an idea, you will say “That’s one idea, any other ideas?”   This is also important because we want to establish that there are many solutions to a problem, not just a right and wrong one.  Once you do this often, you will be surprised how your children start to solve these problems!  They might suggest taking turns, using a different object, working together or other things you wouldn’t have thought of.

If one child has an idea, see if it works for the other.  “Does that work for you?”   

They might not have any ideas, in which case you can offer up a suggestion.  Be very careful in how you pose your idea.  You are not the judge, remember?  This is not a ruling.  It’s an idea.  Just one of many.  

Step 8: Confidence

If your children can’t come up with a solution, or they are still not calm about the situation, you want to say this “You guys are such good friends, I know you’ll work this out”

AHHH!  I love that sentence.  It conveys so much.  Even if your kids are not best friends (yet!), your confidence that they are good friends becomes their truth.  What you tell them becomes their reality.  They hear this enough they will think “yeah, we are good friends, we will work this out!”  

It also conveys your confidence in them.  Even if they can’t do it this time, you are building confidence that they can do it another time.

If there is still a toy that is being fought over, you can state that for now the toy will get put up until they can decide on a plan.  Do so without anger.  This is not a punishment, it is just off limits until they reach a plan.

Step 9: Next Time

This is when you can teach any lesson you feel is still outstanding.  If someone has been hit, you can calmly say “Next time you are feeling so angry at your brother, you can come to me for help, you can run away or you can go to your calm space”   

Give your child ideas for what to do next time they are faced with that feeling.  Focus on the feeling, not just the situation.  So instead of saying “next time he takes that crayon….” , try saying “next time you are feeling XYZ”.    That will help your child link the feelings they are having with the actions they can take.

Objection:  This takes SO much time!

But Colleen, what you just described would take FOREVER!  My kids fight 20 times a day, I can’t do this every time.  To that I will say 3 things:

• Once you practice this often, and your kids practice it often, it gets easier!  And, the amazing thing is that eventually you won’t have to mediate every fight because your kids have learned the skill and can do it without you!   My kids can have an argument and I can hear them solving it on their own.  Not every time, but a lot of times.

• I’d like you to think about the alternatives to not doing this.  The alternative is either: your kids are left to figure this out on their own or you continue to be the judge.    If they are left to figure it out on their own, usually they just remain angry with each other, resentment builds and they never learn these valuable skills.   If you remain the judge, you risk the resentment that comes with choosing sides.

• Next time you have to do this, set a timer.  You might be surprised that it doesn’t take as much time as you think it does.  And the benefits of this approach are well worth your time, I promise.

A Harmonious sibling relationship is Within Reach

In conclusion, mediating sibling fights peacefully is an achievable goal.  As parents, we have the power to shape the way our children interact with each other. 

By embracing this approach, you can create a harmonious home where sibling fights become opportunities for growth and understanding. I’m here to support you on your journey, and I hope that this guide serves as a valuable resource in your mission to raise compassionate, understanding siblings.